American Hooligans

So, you know, DMan made his high falutin playoff predictions today, and thus I have to get off my lazy ass and do the same thing. So how does one top someone who uses math, logic and common sense? Tits and beer.

You’ll have to trust me on the beer part, but as the name implies, I’m a fan and may possibly be holding one. Excuse the typos. For tits, I will litter this item (*points right*) with my fair share, don’t worry. I know, you Americans hate this frozen puck crap, so just read it and look at the tits. It’s all traffic for us.

So let’s get to it!

Continue Reading »

It’s time to beat the MSM’s expert predictions. For every round I am going to make predictions on who wins and in how many games. To do this I will be comparing the Goals For and Goals Against for each of the playoff teams and picking the team who has the better goal differential (Very similar to Bill James Pythagorean Win Formula for baseball.). The twist on this is that I will be changing the teams’ Goals Against by actually using the starting goalie’s SV% instead of his back-ups.

Ex. Cristobal Huet is the new starting goalie for the Washington Capitals (Yes, they still have a team.) and he performed 6 goals better than Brent Johnson and 39 goals better than former starter Olaf Kolzig. This means that instead of Washington having 242 GF and 231 Goals Against they actually have 186 GA making for a 56 goal differential.

So, without further ado, the predictions.

Eastern Conference

• Montreal (38 goal differential) vs. Boston (12.5 goal differential): Montreal in 5
• Pittsburgh (39) vs. Ottawa: (28.5): Pittsburgh in 7
• Washington (56) vs. Philadelphia (24.5): Washington in 5
• New Jersey (13) vs. New York Rangers (13): New Jersey in 7 (A toss-up, but you’ve got to go with Brodeur.)

Western Conference

• Detroit (Starting Hasek 58, starting Osgood 73) vs. Nashville (34): Detroit in 6 with Hasek, in 5 with Osgood
• San Jose (31) vs. Calgary (2): San Jose in 5
• Minnesota (15) vs. Colorado (17.5): Colorado in 7
• Anaheim (14) vs. Dallas (41): Dallas in 5

So let’s see how this turns out. Here’s hoping I can beat Maggie the Monkey.

This is how one of our readers browsed the site today:

April 9, 2008 17:48:02
/2007/04/09/insightful-masters-commentary/
arrived from MSN searching tigers wife

April 9, 2008 17:48:27
/2008/03/26/pictures-of-tiger-woods-wife/

April 9, 2008 17:48:40
/2007/04/09/insightful-masters-commentary/

April 9, 2008 17:48:54
/category/nordegren/

Well, far be it from me to disappoint!

For those of you high on Xavier Nady in your fantasy leagues, a stern warning:

Drop Xavier Nady. I picked him up in my fantasy league today. This mean’s he’s due to come down with baseball cancer within the next two weeks. I’m thinking something exotic, like a nice spinal cord injury - maybe somewhere in the second or third vertebrae?

On the outs is Francisco Liriano, who had a terrible game in AAA. Isn’t Tommy John surgery supposed to make pitchers better?

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is happy to confirm Michael Vick isn’t playing football in jail, guys, seriously. No, sir, despite the fact the owner of the Falcons has said Vick’s been playing ball in jail, Leavenworth’s administration has gone on record to categorically deny such a notion:

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kevin Johnson [Leavenworth’s executive assistant/PR flak] told the newspaper.

I assume the shit-eating grin didn’t bear printing.

At this point, I think it’s safe to assume Vick is locked into some slave contract, wherein he must play quarterback for a ragtag team of prisoners with just enough sob stories and comic relief to make them likable against a team of surly prison guards who defied convention and actually stayed in good enough shape after giving up on community college to last 60 minutes on a gridiron. Vick has whipped the team into shape, but Kevin Johnson, who’s made large bets with wardens and executive assistants from other prisons, makes a side deal with Vick: If he throws the game, he’ll get out of jail earlier.

What’ll Vick do? What’ll he do?

The always dependable Yankees beat writers have been throwing a hissy fit over talk - talk they created, mind you - about temporarily moving A-rod to short, since Jeter’s leg fell off. (Special Baseball Cancer note: Jeter’s not on my team!) Yahoo offers this synopsis:

If it were longer, who knows? As you know, wrote John Harper of the New York Daily News, Alex Rodriguez was once a pretty fair shortstop. For a variety of reasons, it seems highly unlikely the Yankees would move Rodriguez back to shortstop barring a season-ending injury to Jeter, yet the shocker of the night was that Girardi didn’t dismiss the notion when someone asked the inevitable A-Rod question. Girardi said the A-Rod option would be discussed internally.

Please consult the Yankees’ depth chart. A-rod’s not even listed in the shortstop spot, and were he moved to short, that opens third base to Wilson Betemit, who’s … already slotted to take over duties at short. Also of note is he’s six years younger than A-rod, and while A-rod isn’t exactly past his expiration date, his range factor at third was under 3.00. I don’t know what any of that means, but it sounds bad.

For twenty-six long weeks, DrunkenMoose reigned supreme a the top of our fantasy hockey league. None could stand against him. His winning percentage was a downright gaudy .730 and his opponents fell like grain before the reaper. He clenched long before any of the rest of us and, micro-managing to perfection, he seemed dead-set to sweep the playoffs and leave us all battling for second place.

But lo! A champion arose to slay this mighty beast. A Josh Fogg-esqe Dragon Slayer, if you will. This scrappy hero was never afraid to get his uniform dirty and though he’d never seen a hockey game, he’d Moneypucked his way into second place and run the playoff brackets with ease, setting up a final showdown with DrunkenMoose. But was with the Patriots, the Canadian got too cocky for his own good, and once again, America proved why it is #1, while Canada is simply America’s Hat.

You see, the would-be conquerer made that most rudimentary of mistakes. He got too cocky. And on his way to min-maxing his way to fantasy glory, he forgot one little thing: Finals week ran two weeks instead of one. By the time he realized this, he’d neglected his team for a few precious days, time enough for a fat, drunken boob to pounce and knock him off his lofty pedastal. Much like the New England Patriots, he thought he was just going to walk his way to victory, and much like Eli Manning, I am a functional retard with endless reserves of strength to call upon in a critical moment.

So, today, we celebrate the victory of DoctorD, a guy who knows nothing about hockey, over DrunkenMoose, who is Canadian and, thus, will be stripped of his citizenship. And may God bless America!

From NHL.com comes this tidbit:

NEW YORK – A season of suspenseful races and outstanding performances on the ice was accompanied by historic levels of attendance at National Hockey League arenas in 2007-08. Total attendance of 21,236,255 and the per-game average of 17,265 set records in each category and marked the third consecutive season of growth.

“Our fans have outdone themselves, and everyone at the National Hockey League is extremely appreciative,” NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said. “This unprecedented support is only the latest affirmation that our fans are the best fans anywhere.”

NHL teams played to 93.6% of capacity over the 1,230 games in outdoing the 2006-07 season figures of 20,861,787 and 16,961 per-game, or 91.7% of capacity. In 2005-06, the figures were 20,854,169 and 16,955. NHL games have attracted 20 million or more in each of the past seven seasons.

Just goes to show you, sports fans, blackouts work, even de facto ones on shitty TV networks.

Well, we’re a week into the 2008 season, and here’s who’s on pace for what:

• A-rod: On pace for 27 home runs.
• Rick Ankiel: On pace for 81 home runs.
• Detroit Tigers: On pace to go 0-162. (This may actually happen, if the Curse of Dontrelle really exists.)
• Boston is on pace to finish last place in the AL East.
• Christian Guzman: On pace for 786 at bats.
• Jason Kendall: OPS of 1.259. (He’s back!)
• Barry Bonds: On pace to get shut out of the league due to collusion among the owners.

Bets on which last the whole season?

I have had half a bottle of Southern Comfort and will be watching baseball and adding my witty comments until I pass out or get distracted or something.

Okay now I am watching Astros-Cubs. I will throw a more tag in herebecause otherwise J-Bla will whine like a dying engine. KEEP READING AND REFRESHING FOR MORE CUTTING EDGE INSIGHT FROM DOCTOR D.

Continue Reading »