American Hooligans

A

Atkins Line, The: Fantasy drafts are fun for about 25 players. We’ve objectively determined this through scientific measurements. The top 25 are pretty much a shopping list of the latest and greatest players, the sure-fire winners, and the guys who make sportswriters like us spout catchphrases like “the latest and greatest players, the sure-fire winners.” However, past that point, you get into the maddening part of the draft. The perfect pieces are gone, so you’re left with terrible decisions like, “Do I take David Ortiz even though any day now he will collapse into a pile of limbs like a cheap Chinese robot?”

Point being, we don’t need to tell you “Draft A-Rod first.” When I flip open a fantasy mag and see their ace specialist advice is “Draft A-Rod first,” I roll my eyes and say “Well, no shit,” which makes people wonder precisely what I’m doing in the bathroom with rustling paper and swearing to myself. Right around Player #25, though, you hit the point where tough decisions have to be made. When people stop being polite (Draft A-Rod lol) and start getting real (oh, god, Bengie Molina is the only catcher left on the board)

B

Being Manny: Description for when a talented player, typically a team’s cornerstone, loses touch with reality. Behavior includes: Going to the bathroom inside the Big Green Monster (during play), repeatedly demanding trades in the middle of the year only to change his mind later, or wearing bicycling gear to ride a stationary bike on a football game’s sidelines. Usage: “What’s the deal with TO faking his suicide?” “Oh, TO’s just being Manny.”

Baseball Cancer: Some people, be they players, fans, coaches, or announcers, serve as plaguebringers or other omens of bad luck. They themselves may be fine, but everyone disintegrates around them. They are the sports equivalent of Coleridge’s Ancient Mariner. In baseball, this is called Baseball Cancer. Usage: “So J-Bla’s entire fantasy team is full of the walking wounded. Half his team is on the disabled list. Not only that, but I was listening to the Rockies-Dodgers today and the very INSTANT he switched over, Schmidt tweaked a hammy or something. Coincidence? Oh, no, J-Bla tried to trade for him earlier today.” In this instance, J-Bla is Baseball Cancer.

I

Infield-in: An old-school run-prevention strategy, whereby a coach brings the corner infielders a few feet into the infield grass, and the middle infielders even with the infield grass, usually when there’s a man on third without an inning-ending force out behind him. The theory is a drawn-in fielder would be able to throw home on a grounder to him, keeping the runner from scoring. In practice, this rarely holds true. Grounders that are hit hard tend to find their way through the drawn-in players, who have considerably less time to react, and anything up the middle - and soft line drives - guarantees a run-scoring play. Avoid at all costs. Also see: Prevent Defense.

P

Prevent Defense: Putting four guys on the line and dropping everyone else back to cover the field so the opposing team doesn’t get any “big gains.” This means they may not get a 50 yard pass, but there are plenty of 20 yard passes open in the middle. However, it is well-known that NFL coaches are incapable of doing math. In actuality, the Prevent defense is mainly used to Prevent victory.

Pulling a Coughlin: Finding a way, against all odds, to snatch the defeat from the jaws of decisive victory, usually by abandoning a winning strategy in favor of flailing one’s arms around for 30 minutes. Usage: They sure pulled a Coughlin when they started three rookies in a row in the World Series.

Pulling a Manning: In big games and big situations, big quarterbacks come through. Sometimes they come through just well enough to screw it up. When you do just well enough to drop the ball at the end and make it all for nothing, you have Pulled a Manning. Usage: Self-apparent.

R

Roger Maris Effect, The: Occurs when a talented player never lives up to his true potential (or does, but is still treated like a pariah by the fans) due to having to play in the shadow of another talented player who’s a fan favorite. Chief example: Roger Maris, playing right field to Mickey Mantle’s center. During the home run race in 1961 (which Maris eventually won), Maris received death threats, lost hair, and was continually compared to Mickey Mantle. Modern examples: A-Rod to Derek Jeter, Eli Manning to Peyton Manning, Aloysius Snuffleupagus to Big Bird. Usage: A-Rod struck out. Again. With men on base. It’s the Roger Maris Effect all over again!

S

Salary Cap: A money-saving strategy designed to make owners richer, turn players into mercenaries, and erase any fan investment in sports teams. Often touted as “good for the sport,” salary caps are anything but. Rather than rewarding teams that invest their income back into their players and franchises, salary caps reward owners who pocket the majority of their ticket proceeds, all in the name of parity. The problem with parity in a post-salary-cap environment is every team is equally mediocre. See: The NFL.