American Hooligans

For twenty-six long weeks, DrunkenMoose reigned supreme a the top of our fantasy hockey league. None could stand against him. His winning percentage was a downright gaudy .730 and his opponents fell like grain before the reaper. He clenched long before any of the rest of us and, micro-managing to perfection, he seemed dead-set to sweep the playoffs and leave us all battling for second place.

But lo! A champion arose to slay this mighty beast. A Josh Fogg-esqe Dragon Slayer, if you will. This scrappy hero was never afraid to get his uniform dirty and though he’d never seen a hockey game, he’d Moneypucked his way into second place and run the playoff brackets with ease, setting up a final showdown with DrunkenMoose. But was with the Patriots, the Canadian got too cocky for his own good, and once again, America proved why it is #1, while Canada is simply America’s Hat.

You see, the would-be conquerer made that most rudimentary of mistakes. He got too cocky. And on his way to min-maxing his way to fantasy glory, he forgot one little thing: Finals week ran two weeks instead of one. By the time he realized this, he’d neglected his team for a few precious days, time enough for a fat, drunken boob to pounce and knock him off his lofty pedastal. Much like the New England Patriots, he thought he was just going to walk his way to victory, and much like Eli Manning, I am a functional retard with endless reserves of strength to call upon in a critical moment.

So, today, we celebrate the victory of DoctorD, a guy who knows nothing about hockey, over DrunkenMoose, who is Canadian and, thus, will be stripped of his citizenship. And may God bless America!