American Hooligans

I have had half a bottle of Southern Comfort and will be watching baseball and adding my witty comments until I pass out or get distracted or something.

Okay now I am watching Astros-Cubs. I will throw a more tag in herebecause otherwise J-Bla will whine like a dying engine. KEEP READING AND REFRESHING FOR MORE CUTTING EDGE INSIGHT FROM DOCTOR D.

Chris Sampson was a shortstop but now he starts for the Rangers which says to me they’re going to lose to the Cubs

ARAMIS RAMIREZ is on deck sports fans this can only mean doom to the converted shortstop. Seriously are we so desperate for pitching that we have to convert shortstops now? Is this like World War 2? Are they going to mount guns on Felix Pie because he is the only one capable of fighting the Japanese?

No runners through 1 at Wrigley! And nothing at all will change for the next 8 innings!

Carlos Lee is bringin’ da big lumber to Wrigley and after all that shit he hits an easy infield popup. Thanks, baseball!

Miguel Tejada is acquired from Baltimore to go to the Cubs. This is like getting divorced from your fat ugly wife only to marry a trucker. Granted it is an improvement but you’re still married to a trucker. Fairball down the foul line. FOKUDOME FROM GLORIOUS NIPPON picks it up. I hear he is Japanese.

Fukudome obviously needs to see more balls to make big plays. I’VE GOT BIG BALLS

HE’S GOT BIG BALLS

BUT WE’VE GOT THE BIGGEST

BALLS OF THEM ALL

Ty Wiggonton is batting against Rich Hill. THis is like Battle Of The Shitty Stars.

Ty Wigginton followed by Mark Loretta. Texas hasn’t been beaten this badly since Alamo, 1836.

The Infield Fly rule is invoked only no one has any idea what the fucking infield fly rule is.

J.R. Towles at the bat and does a handstand when he is hit by a pitch. What this says to me is he is a dancing bear that needs to be hit to perform.

Rich Hill is currently throwing with all the accuracy of Nuke Laloosh to Chris Sampson. What could possibly go wrong! But Hill gets out of it by throwing out a pitcher. Hoo-ray!

Chris Sampson on the mound now with Aramis Ramirez batting as the commentator says pretty much every hitter is the same. Wait, you just put your best 8 guys in and let them hit the ball? This must be why I pay for MLB.tv. CUTTING EDGE INSIGHT.

Fokudome coming up to bat. Nice hit to mid-center.

Mark DeRosa is up. ~If I only had a heart~ Fortunately, you don’t actually need a heart to hit Chris Sampson.

First ANAL FISSURE mention of the night regarding Matsui.

First reference to Pie’s twisted testicles of the night.

Nice double play to end the at bat. Sampson is actually doing okay. I am confident this will change.

Cotton candy is pretty much fiberglass, or so the announcers say. To be fair they’re pretty funny.

Michael BournE vs. Rich Hill. And baseball’s attendance has been going up?

Hunter Pence is now up! I hate him as much as I hate Hunter Ellis on the History Channel. THAT SMUG FUCK! Anyway, Pence gets a groundball that comes close to a double play and I smirk in complete satisfaction.

LANCE BERKMAN CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE up to bat now.

Also there’s a sign that says Cubs Banking in the background. I assume this means every time your savings account increases a little, it collapses hysterically and goes 99 years without winning the financial World Series.

Berkman flies out and now the planet-sized Carlos Lee is up to bat again.

What I’m saying is Carlos Lee is fat.

Fatty fatty fat fat.

fat.

Fatty fatty two by four hits a foul ball.

LEE is thrown out by Aramis to end the inning but he wobbles to base and tries to run it out.

Alright, there was a fly-out from somebody I didn’t see and now Pie is up. We hope his balls survive this at-bat. And they do, as he hits out to Berkman and gets himself out. Rich Hill is now up to bat. He looks like the kid brother I never had. I want to hold him down and fart in his face until he cries. Sampson gets him out, which is pretty much the same thing.

I fukkin love the AFLAC duck and I don’t care who knows it.

AFLAC

AFLAC

AFLAC

Tejada coming up to bat again in the top of the fourth. He pops it upinto the stands. Then some talk about drugs. BEEP BOOP BEEP DRUGS ARE BAD. And his brother got killed or something. But anyway Rich Hill sure is throwing a lot of balls. Announcer: “Well,condolences for the death of his brother, but the rest is all pretty much self-inflicted.” I think what he’s saying is if you do steroids you deserve to lose your loved ones. But it’s okay, it’s over and Wigginton is back up, and Ty Wigginton holds vast potential for hilarity. Wigginton goes down on strikes. YAY RICH HILL.

“Uncle Charlie” is apparently old-school player slang for a curveball. “Uncle Charlie” also touched my “wiener” which is why “I can never love.”

Loretta is up. I hope for great things because he’s my shortstop until JJ get sfinished with his tapeworm. He draws a walk. Mark Loretta draws a walk. Is this a planet where apes evolved from men?

Homerun from J.R. Towles. If you’re Rich Hill, you commit seppuku on the mound.

Chris Sampson at the bat now. Fortunately, he grounds out to end the inning. And that is why Chris Sampson sucks.

Soriano up to bat. He promptly drills it to THE BOURNE SUPREMACY in left center and the entire city of Chicago deflates. Nice diving catch by Bourne. I almost regret mocking him.

Michael Bourne has saved 3 XBH. Michael Bourne is the big fat friend of baseball, is what I’m saying.

LOOKIT DAT FUKKIN DUCK

And Bourn catches a high fly to end the inning, whereupon I go to drain my lizard.

Important International Note: Mexican food is the same all over. If you’re asking yourself “Should I have these tasty fajitas?” the answer, no matter where you are, is no. Unless your anus is sleeping with your wife.

Fortunately, it’s still Houston 2, Cubs 0, so I get to keep my journalist cred.

Lee and Berkman now on base. Tejada is up. I feel confident this will go awry in hilarious fashion. The announcers are talking up Rich Hill. Liner caught by Derek Lee for the out. God help me, this is a pitcher cripple fight with the Astros up 2.

Sampson back on the mound and Ramirez pops out. Fukudome comes up. He’s going to force Sampson to work it (no diggity) ((gots to bang it up)), or so they say, not that it matter when he hits one to Berkman and gets himself out. DeRosa is up now. DeRosa gets the hit. I want to point out that Chris Sampson is throwing a 2 hitter and hope that by mentioning it I ruin it. Soto up to bat and swinging pretty well. And Bourn denies it once again, ending the 5th.

Wigginton grounds out. Precisely no one is surprised. Then Rich Hill somehow managed to put together an 8 pitch inning. I think I’m hallucinating. Rich Hill is apparently done, so we get into the hilarious Cubs bullpen.It’s like a ship full of comedy just hove into view and I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.

Sampson pitching for the ’stros at the moment. Reed Johnson is a HARD NOSE OLD SCHOOL BALLPLAYER THAT GETS HIS UNIFORM DIRTY. Of course, he hits a double, so I kind of feel bad for making fun of him. Now he’s on third with Theriot coming up. Fortunately, the Cubs continue tradition by being unable to get him home.

Chris Sampson batting against Lieber and almost manages to get on base. Lieber gets himself a strikeout. And manages to get out of the inning.

Lee grounds out. Ramirez manages to get on-base with a bouncer down the third base line. Fukudome is up, almost hits into a double play, but Loretta’s walker doesn’t let him get over in time. DeRosa is up and hits a sacrifice to advance the runners. CHICAGO IS COMING TO LIFE AS GEOVANY SOTO COMES OUT. Base hit and Ramirez and Fukudome score as Ty Wiggonton’s feet of concrete prevent him from moving a single inch to catch the ground ball. Now they’re giving Sampson the hook. Reminder that this is Astros-Cubs and could explode in pure comedy at any moment.

Pie up to bat. Count gets up to 2-2 and he manages to screw it up.

DeRosa managed to bobble an easy grounder from LANCE BERKMAN. It’s like a black line of comedy thunderheads appeared on the horizon. Lee flies out. Tejada at the plate as we find out that pitching is not about throwing hard, no, it’s about getting batters out. Thanks, commentators! Tejada hits a hilarious triple and scores Berkman on a barely-fair ball and the Astros are out in front again.

I NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU ANY SORROW

I NEVER MEANT TO CAUSE YOU ANY PAIN

I ONLY WANTED ONE TIME TO SEE YOU LAUGHIN

I ONLY WANT TO SEE YOU LAUGHIN IN THE COMEDY RAIN

COMEDY RAIN

COMEDY RAIN

Tejada slides in on a sacrifice fly from Wigginton. 4-2Astros!

Ramirez makes a nice play to end the inning but the Cubs may just have screwed this up enough to lose!

Doug Brocail pitching for theAstro. Perfect. You have a 4-2 lead and you have a 40 year old reliever rying to get you through the 8th. What could possibly go wrong? They get Ward out. Soriano flies out. Theriot is up and Grampa hangs one out over the plate. i think he can get a single out of that, gramps. And he does! Groundball up the middle from Lee and Theriot moves to third. It turns out the 40 Year Old Man may not have been the best choice to cover you with a lead! This is a game that will be determined by who can flee headlong from victory the fastest.

KERRY WOOD IS WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN

Aramis Ramirez at the plate. BROCAIL HAS HAD ANGIOPLASTY I WAS KIDDING WHEN I IMPLIED HE WAS OLDER THAN GOD JESUS CHRIST.

Ramirez still at the plate.

Grampa loads up the count. Fortunately, the Cubs can’t hit a ball thrown by a man who was born around Woodstock and he gets out of the jam.

Michael Wuertz up to pitch for the Cubs and they’re changing around their lineup. I’ve become fully convinced that Pinella actually has Alzheimer’s. I bet they find him wandering aroud Wrigley with his pants around his ankles asking for pancakes.

Towles up to bat to open the 9th, and he manages to ground himself out. Darin Erstad comes in to pinch hit and flies out. Wuertz managed to put together a 1-2-3 9th and now the Astros just have to hold.

oh god what did i just type

Jose Valverde coming in to close things out versus Fukudome.  Fukudome breaks his bat and flies out 2outs to go. DeRosa at the bat and gets a first pitch solo home run. There may just be a ball game breaking out here…4-3 Astros.

Soto at the plate. Valverde nearly clocks him.  Soto hits a nice one to outfield, but Lee picks it up. 1 out to go! Pie flies out to Wigginton and that is the game, folks.

Now I’m going to go pass out and make embarassing phone calls or something.